Sometimes I Wonder

I know this is not to be true — it never will be —but often the mind wanders.

Is this really true?

Do I have a sister?

Is she real?

What are the chances that she will call and say that it was all a cruel joke?

When will the cameras turn off and say, “Cut,  we have what we need….move on people!?”

When will that knock come to the door when someone will say, “Oh, we were looking for an entire different Katie.  Sorry.  We got the wrong person.”

It is so hard to wrap my head around this at times.

How does a (just turned) 45-year-old woman warp or wrap her head around such knowledge.

IT’S IMPOSSIBLE I declare!

How do you walk your day-to-day walk as if nothing has happened?

How do you love someone so unconditionally within seconds?

How do  you continue to survive knowing that 44 years of yourself was missing – yet somehow you kept that walk alive?

How do you find reason and or feel like you have been totally ripped off and yet find agreement with present status?

I have no answers, but I am compelled to write.

I have written before about this.

11 months ago, i found a sister.

TRANSFORMING

It has not even been a year and there has been a mountain that has come in, pushed all else aside and somehow has found a comfortable and peaceful residence in the daily beat of my heart.

AT TIMES…I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS.

I do not understand the privileged walk that I still have left.

I don’t understand the new-found love that bursts within me — as if I ‘just’ gave birth to one of my children….it is exceptionally strong.

My ever-present and strong pessimistic nature convinces me that this is not real.  Something or someone will soon take it away and the joke will be on me.

I had this with my first-born, always harboring the ideal that at any second, someone would come to the door and tell me that this thing that i am experiencing really isn’t real and it needs to stop……like…..NOW!

I don’t want this to end.

i don’t want that girlfriend giddiness(sp) to slow down.

I don’t want to ever take advantage of this — whatever in the world it may be.

Somehow God has decided that now is the time — not earlier, not later….but now.

I have to ask, “Why?”

Sometimes I wonder……..

I am in love with my newly found sister.

She brings a lilt to my laughter.

She adds to the parent I so want to be.

She counters me with deep thought and wisdom

I have leaned and leaned and laughed and cried and have jam packed ‘almost’ a lifetime of sisterhood into these past 11 months.

I think I will lock my front door because I never want anyone to come and knock and tell me that this was all some make believe fantasy and I have to now give my sister back.

*click*….

that was the sound of locking the door.

 

 

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